The Concept of Time

Future is around the corner and it's terrifying.

As I'm finishing school in less than a year (if all goes according to plan, at least), I have to think a lot about what I want to do with my life. There's lots of decisions to make, like: Do I want to study or not? And if I want to study, where and what? And if not, what else will I be doing? Do I want to make a gap year abroad or a gap year in Germany or no gap year at all?

Questions over questions basically. And before all of that I have to work even harder and pass my A-levels.

The really frightening thing about not knowing what comes next though, is that I have to make these decisions all on my own and I have to take full responsibility for that. I'm turning 18 in exactly eleven days. For most people that seems pretty young and way too young to get into an existential crisis. For me, however, that is a huge deal. I still remember the day a dear friend of mine told me that I'm now closer to turning thirty then to my birth (I was about fifteen back then). I totally freaked out and were close to having a mental breakdown. Can you imagine turning thirty!? By then, I'm supposed to have my shit together and we all know that's not gonna happen. Even turning 18 freaks me out. I'll be an adult. Or at least I should be. I'll have to do finances and stuff and send out university/job applications. That's horrifying. Of course 18 is still young, but another friend told me about how her friend from kindergarten already has a one year old baby today! I can't even keep a plant alive let alone a little person. Like, who'd think it'd be a good idea to let me have responsibility for anything? I'm still shocked that someone let me drive a car. The real problem may be, that I'm feeling like a seven-year-old and I can't deal with people taking me serious and letting me decide about what to do with the rest of my life. What if I woke up and felt like opening an ice cream shop in Alaska? Someone would have to stop me.

This face is not able to make proper decisions. Do not give her a driving license and do not let her have kids for fuck's sake.
But then again, there are people aged thirty and older still living at their parent's house (don't get me wrong, I don't wanna be that person, I'm just trying to make a point here). So maybe, I should worry a bit less. With time come answers (that's a saying, right?)

When I was younger I loved the thought of getting older, but the more time passes, the more precious it gets. My teenage years were gone in the blink of an eye. And although the last year seems to be a decade away, it passed so frickin' fast. Time is a crazy concept anyways. When I think about my holiday in the USA, which was in 2010, it seems as it was forever ago, but tell me that 2010 was five years ago and I won't believe it. Like no. That ain't true. I remember 2010 being two years ago, you're lying. You must be.

Anyways, I'm getting old and I don't like it. Although, I'll be the happiest motherfucker the day I'll leave that shitty school behind.

Have a good one.


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