The Only Competition I Care About
by
Alisha C. R. Swartz
- May 12, 2018
You know how everyone has one really weird and absurd obsession that everyone else thinks is kinda strange? Come on, stop pretending I know at the back of your mind you're thinking of the Great British Bake Off or the Bachelor or something like that. Anyways, today I wanna tell you about my obsession and why it's the fucking best and not weird at all.
Hi, my name is Alisha and I'm obsessed with Eurovision.
I can practically see you rolling your eyes at me right about now. How can anyone like a song contest that features shitty music, over-the-top sparkly dresses and petty Russians never voting for Germany, right? Weeeeeell, let me tell you about the magic of the Eurovision Song Contest...
(imagine sparkly music and red blinds being drawn revealing a blurry sepia image to indicate a throwback)
The year is 1955, women with big skirts and boys in leather jackets. The first Burger King opens up in Miami, Florida and Europe is trying to rebuild itself after WWII. The European Broadcasting Union comes up with a genius idea. Inspired by the Sanremo Music Festival they want European countries to compete against each other in a friendly manner via songs.
One year later the first Eurovision Grand Prix, as it was called for the first eleven years, takes place in Switzerland. The other contestants are Belgium, France, Germany, Italy, Luxembourg and the Netherlands. Lys Assia won the contest for the host country with "Refrain".
The competition progressed and more and more countries joined in on the fun. Morocco participated for the first and only time in 1980 and has been the only Arabic country to enter the contest. Other Arabic countries who are technically able to take part in Eurovision have refused to do so out of solidarity with the Palestinians since Israel has been a contestant since 1973.
Australia is the only non Eurasian country to ever participate but lately Canada is trying to get in on the fun too. It's definitely not just a European thing anymore. However, we should never ever allow the US to join because we all know they ruin absolutely anything they touch and someone needs to remind them that they're not the center of the fucking universe and what better way to do that than by not inviting them to our party?
In 1965, France Gall won with "Poupée de cire, poupée de son". The song was written by Serge Gainsbourg who wrote multiple songs for Gall. Now, if you don't know about Gainsbourg yet, you are in for a ride, my friends. Gainsbourg was such a controversial, multi-talented and fundamental asshole, he almost deserves an entire post to himself. But for now, let's stick to the Top Three Things You Need To Know About Serge Gainsbourg:
1. Gainsbourg was as stereotypical of a French man as he could've possibly been. I'm talking smoking, wine drinking, black turtleneck wearing, sex addicted French artist.
2. He was a Jew in hiding during the German occupation of France. That man has been through some shit.
3. He wrote a song about incest and the music video starred him and his then 13 year old daughter laying in bed together.
Gainsbourg wrote several songs for France Gall and all of them were ambiguous. Much to Gainsbourg's delight, Gall wasn't aware of the sexual nature of the lyrics until much later. According to Gainsbourg she delivered the songs with the exact naiveté he intended (because she had no fucking clue what she was singing about and the adults around her were completely exploiting her innocence.) Imagine spending years of your life singing what you believe are harmless love songs only to find out that you were used like a puppet on strings to please the pedophilic fantasies of some creepy old men.
Other noteworthy Eurovision winners include ABBA, who performed "Waterloo" for Sweden (believe it or not, that's how their career started), Céline Dion, who won for Switzerland with "Ne partez pas sans moi" and of course Lordi. If you haven't seen their winning performance of "Hard Rock Hallelujah" yet, you must have been living under a rock for the past twelve years. Lordi is a hard rock / heavy metal band from Finland, which you should know, is the breeding place for heavy metal musicians. Finland has an abundance of metalheads.
Now, there is no point in talking about Eurovision without mentioning the countless ballads and pop songs performed by gorgeous women in sparkly dresses with voices ranging from mediocre to really decent and hair straight out of a shampoo commercial. I like to think of them as starlets. They are the backbone of Eurovision, without them, there wouldn't be a competition. Sometimes countries go out of their way to find a unique, never-before-seen performance and that may get them the first place or like, three points. But if you're running out of ideas you can always count on starlets. Because a) you will never run out of them, you can find a potential starlet working as a barista in every Starbucks and b) they will always get you a solid placement in the Top 13. There has also been the occasional win from a starlet such as Greek goddess Elena Paparizou who won in 2005 with "My Number One" or Emmelie de Forest who won for Denmark with "Only Teardrops" in 2013.
You may not know this, but the ESC also brought us many spectacular memes. I've already mentioned Lordi, but did you know that Epic Sax Guy Solo was part of the 2010 performance from Moldova? And let's not forget about the Buranoswkije Babuschki, the Russian grandmas who performed "Party for Everybody" in 2012 while baking bread and came in 2nd.
I need to mention that I got really lucky. I was born into an Eurovision obesessed family. Granted, they haven't spent as many hours reading through Wikipedia articles and watching entire shows from the 60's on YouTube as I have but still. The day of the Eurovision Song Contest is as much a holiday for us as Christmas. Not kidding. Right now, my father is preparing a bbq, my stepmom has spent all morning cooking, my little brother is on a last-minute run for dips and snacks and I've prewatched all the contestants' music videos. The first year I vividly remember watching the ESC was 2005 and I've been watching it every year since.
Dan Howell once tweeted "eurovision is basically an episode of glee where europe decides their political disagreements by having a karaoke contest" and ain't that the truth. The LGBTQIA+ scene has also played a big role in supporting and promoting the competition and is widely responsible for its commercial success. The Eurovision Song Contest is one magical evening filled with weird foreign songs, outlandish performances, ridiculous costumes and snarky commentators. It's amazing because it's trashy and horrible and always the same but always different and so not up to date.
While I know that I'll never convince anyone who isn't already a fan that ESC is the best, I ask you that today, you'll sit down with an open mind and watch the contest in the full knowledge that this was intended to bring Europe together. Try to feel the magic.
(Standard Disclaimer: I've gathered all my knowledge from Wikipedia and watching old shows and music videos on YouTube. These are my sources. Do not quote me, I am not trustworthy, do your own research.)
Hi, my name is Alisha and I'm obsessed with Eurovision.
I can practically see you rolling your eyes at me right about now. How can anyone like a song contest that features shitty music, over-the-top sparkly dresses and petty Russians never voting for Germany, right? Weeeeeell, let me tell you about the magic of the Eurovision Song Contest...
(imagine sparkly music and red blinds being drawn revealing a blurry sepia image to indicate a throwback)
The year is 1955, women with big skirts and boys in leather jackets. The first Burger King opens up in Miami, Florida and Europe is trying to rebuild itself after WWII. The European Broadcasting Union comes up with a genius idea. Inspired by the Sanremo Music Festival they want European countries to compete against each other in a friendly manner via songs.
One year later the first Eurovision Grand Prix, as it was called for the first eleven years, takes place in Switzerland. The other contestants are Belgium, France, Germany, Italy, Luxembourg and the Netherlands. Lys Assia won the contest for the host country with "Refrain".
The competition progressed and more and more countries joined in on the fun. Morocco participated for the first and only time in 1980 and has been the only Arabic country to enter the contest. Other Arabic countries who are technically able to take part in Eurovision have refused to do so out of solidarity with the Palestinians since Israel has been a contestant since 1973.
Australia is the only non Eurasian country to ever participate but lately Canada is trying to get in on the fun too. It's definitely not just a European thing anymore. However, we should never ever allow the US to join because we all know they ruin absolutely anything they touch and someone needs to remind them that they're not the center of the fucking universe and what better way to do that than by not inviting them to our party?
In 1965, France Gall won with "Poupée de cire, poupée de son". The song was written by Serge Gainsbourg who wrote multiple songs for Gall. Now, if you don't know about Gainsbourg yet, you are in for a ride, my friends. Gainsbourg was such a controversial, multi-talented and fundamental asshole, he almost deserves an entire post to himself. But for now, let's stick to the Top Three Things You Need To Know About Serge Gainsbourg:
1. Gainsbourg was as stereotypical of a French man as he could've possibly been. I'm talking smoking, wine drinking, black turtleneck wearing, sex addicted French artist.
2. He was a Jew in hiding during the German occupation of France. That man has been through some shit.
3. He wrote a song about incest and the music video starred him and his then 13 year old daughter laying in bed together.
Gainsbourg wrote several songs for France Gall and all of them were ambiguous. Much to Gainsbourg's delight, Gall wasn't aware of the sexual nature of the lyrics until much later. According to Gainsbourg she delivered the songs with the exact naiveté he intended (because she had no fucking clue what she was singing about and the adults around her were completely exploiting her innocence.) Imagine spending years of your life singing what you believe are harmless love songs only to find out that you were used like a puppet on strings to please the pedophilic fantasies of some creepy old men.
Other noteworthy Eurovision winners include ABBA, who performed "Waterloo" for Sweden (believe it or not, that's how their career started), Céline Dion, who won for Switzerland with "Ne partez pas sans moi" and of course Lordi. If you haven't seen their winning performance of "Hard Rock Hallelujah" yet, you must have been living under a rock for the past twelve years. Lordi is a hard rock / heavy metal band from Finland, which you should know, is the breeding place for heavy metal musicians. Finland has an abundance of metalheads.
Now, there is no point in talking about Eurovision without mentioning the countless ballads and pop songs performed by gorgeous women in sparkly dresses with voices ranging from mediocre to really decent and hair straight out of a shampoo commercial. I like to think of them as starlets. They are the backbone of Eurovision, without them, there wouldn't be a competition. Sometimes countries go out of their way to find a unique, never-before-seen performance and that may get them the first place or like, three points. But if you're running out of ideas you can always count on starlets. Because a) you will never run out of them, you can find a potential starlet working as a barista in every Starbucks and b) they will always get you a solid placement in the Top 13. There has also been the occasional win from a starlet such as Greek goddess Elena Paparizou who won in 2005 with "My Number One" or Emmelie de Forest who won for Denmark with "Only Teardrops" in 2013.
You may not know this, but the ESC also brought us many spectacular memes. I've already mentioned Lordi, but did you know that Epic Sax Guy Solo was part of the 2010 performance from Moldova? And let's not forget about the Buranoswkije Babuschki, the Russian grandmas who performed "Party for Everybody" in 2012 while baking bread and came in 2nd.
I need to mention that I got really lucky. I was born into an Eurovision obesessed family. Granted, they haven't spent as many hours reading through Wikipedia articles and watching entire shows from the 60's on YouTube as I have but still. The day of the Eurovision Song Contest is as much a holiday for us as Christmas. Not kidding. Right now, my father is preparing a bbq, my stepmom has spent all morning cooking, my little brother is on a last-minute run for dips and snacks and I've prewatched all the contestants' music videos. The first year I vividly remember watching the ESC was 2005 and I've been watching it every year since.
Dan Howell once tweeted "eurovision is basically an episode of glee where europe decides their political disagreements by having a karaoke contest" and ain't that the truth. The LGBTQIA+ scene has also played a big role in supporting and promoting the competition and is widely responsible for its commercial success. The Eurovision Song Contest is one magical evening filled with weird foreign songs, outlandish performances, ridiculous costumes and snarky commentators. It's amazing because it's trashy and horrible and always the same but always different and so not up to date.
While I know that I'll never convince anyone who isn't already a fan that ESC is the best, I ask you that today, you'll sit down with an open mind and watch the contest in the full knowledge that this was intended to bring Europe together. Try to feel the magic.
(Standard Disclaimer: I've gathered all my knowledge from Wikipedia and watching old shows and music videos on YouTube. These are my sources. Do not quote me, I am not trustworthy, do your own research.)